The boy’s father and I separated in
May of 2011 after eight years together, six of which we were married. The boys
and I moved in with my mother and six days later he had a girlfriend, whom now
is his wife. It is unbelievable how quickly life can change. This journey has
been a long and difficult road; a road filled with sadness, bitterness, anger
and any other emotion under the sun that you can think of. Name the emotion and
I have probably experienced in some way or another during this process. I have
done everything in my power to “get over it” or “let it go”, but have struggled
and failed miserably to break free. With the failure came frustration, because
I knew the promises that God had made to me.
If only I would leave my mess of a marriage and divorce at his feet. I
knew that when I was able to free myself from the situation the boys and I
would be one step closer to the beautiful future that God had promised us. There
were times that I had thought I had finally done this, more than once too.
However, if I did lay it down, I would unconsciously pick it right back up; or
maybe I truly never did lay it all down completely in the first place. I had
tried all the different avenues following the advice of family and/or friends,
praying, taking classes, counseling, but yet I always fell short of my goal…
freedom!
A couple of weeks ago when I got
home, I got on Facebook. I began quickly scrolling down my news feed like I had
done so many times before and that’s when I saw it. A former classmate of mine
had suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. Instantly without knowing anything
more, my heart became heavy and filled with sadness. This particular classmate
was always there to put a smile on your face when you were having a bad day.
His smile truly did brighten the world. So many questions flooded my mind…why
God? How? Did he suffer? Is this real?
In the coming days I was given more
details of his passing; which in turn only made my heart hurt more and left me
with more questions. The details are not mine to share, nor are they important
at this point. What is important is what I have taken away from this tragedy.
1) Life is short and not guaranteed.
Make sure you show and tell the ones you love how you feel. Even if you have
not talked to them in months or even years; at least make an attempt.
2) Show kindness and love to everyone
you meet. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle.
3) Those who smile and love the most are
often the ones who are hurting and fighting the biggest battles.
4) Forgive those who have and will hurt
you, not only for them, but more importantly yourself.
5) Open your heart to the Lord. Only He
can truly set you free from the chains that bind you. There REALLY is freedom
on the Lord.
I wish more than anything that this event had never happened
and he was still here with us, but that is unfortunately not possible. So I
will continue to pray for his family and friends as they mourn. Hopefully they
are able to find comfort and peace; knowing that he is no longer hurting
and find strength in knowing that they
will be reunited with him again one day.
This has caused a major epiphany for me and brought me a
healing in my heart that I was beginning to think that would never come. I laid
my marriage and divorce at the feet of the Lord and walked away, knowing that
it was His to handle. He had promised and shown me unfailing love, grace,
healing and much much more. I can honestly say my chains are gone and my heart
is renewed. All of the bitterness, anger and sadness that surrounded this life
change are gone. I have finally found peace and comfort in the healing that
only the Lord can provide.
I am fully aware that throughout the next fifteen years of
co-parenting with my ex-husband, every day is not going to rainbows and
butterflies. There will be trials and tribulations just as there are with
anything in life. We know each other well enough that we know how to push one another’s
buttons and drive one another crazy. However, in these times I will remind
myself that my God’s bigger than any problem I may face, and if I will trust
Him and give my problems to Him, He will handle it. EVERYTHING is made
beautiful in His timing.
I will end
with this…
Justin,
Although we were not particularly close, but anytime I was
around you I could not help but be in a good mood. Your smile was contagious. I
will cherish that now and always. You were loved by so many and you will be
missed I hope you have found the love, peace and comfort that you needed. And
may God bless and protect your girls in your absence.
Live life
with love, purpose and passion.
Yours truly,
Amy
