My Brokenness is My Biggest Blessing

As I write that title, I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. If someone told me two and a half years ago I would be writing those words, I would have laughed; to be honest I probably would have cried. I was in such a dark and broken place back then. I was lost with no direction, no hope or no desire. My world around me had crumbled in such a way, that I thought it could never be rebuilt. Fast forward to present day.... I THANK GOD for every broken piece and every tear I have shed.

Yes, many of you might think that I am crazy...and you are probably right. However, it is from my brokenness that I have found myself...found beauty. A beauty that is worth every struggle, and  every sleepless night. I have learned to lean on God first, not to try to figure it out myself.  Although there are times more often than I would like to admit; that I still try to figure it out on my own. None the less, I am quickly reminded that leaning on my own logic and reasoning often leads to a disaster. But, I have a God that is merciful and gracious. He is there to pick me up, brokenness and all. He surrounds me with His protections and unconditional love every single day.  Glory to God... He is good and he does good, not sometimes but ALL of the time!!

You [God] are good and do only good;teach me your decrees.
Psalm 119:68

My brokenness has led me down a path that I am so grateful for. I have a wonderful church home, where I can grow and blossom. From this I have established many new friendships and have been given many new opportunities...opportunities and friendships that I would not have been blessed with if I had not gone through what I had. I can look back and see God working at each and every step in this journey that I am on.

At the beginning of this year our pastor's message at church was "Blessed to be a Blessing" it was a powerful message, one that has changed my perspective not only on 2014, but my life in general. My brokenness has allowed me to reach out to people and make a connection. These connections have changed my life... these connections are God connections. He knew I would need this strong and amazing people in my life to help and guide me carry out His will for my life.

I am a single mother of three handsome little boys that challenge and bless me daily. I am so thankful for them, and all they teach me about life. I am thankful that God has trusted me and allowed be to watch and help them grow in Him. I am blessed by my full time job, that allows me to provide for my family. I am blessed for the many friendships that I have gained from this journey. I am thankful that I am part of a life group that is there for me through the good, the bad and the ugly. I am thankful for the friends that I can reach out to at midnight, because I feel the darkness closing in on me.  I am thankful to be part of a women's ministry, and the life changing fellowship it has provided. And most of all I am thankful that  my brokenness has been my biggest blessing thus far. It is the brokenness that has given me a boldness to reach out and bless others. Although I have no idea where this journey will take me... I trust and know that He is leading me somewhere amazing!

 Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

God bless!

Joy!

With each new year, there comes a new hope, a new resolution to make this year better than the previous. A new year often symbolizes a fresh start, a chance to make things right, reach new goals or a chance to finally make that change that has been plaguing you for months. So with that being said I have vowed and promised myself to make 2014 my best year yet. Although, at the beginning of every new year my goal has been to improve on the previous year, this year is just a little bit different.  This year I turn thirty, with that there comes more pressure to follow through. I know to most this may not seem like much, but to me it is huge.

I have always been a planner and a list maker. When I planned and made my list for thirty it looked nothing like what my life looks like now. And while at first I will admit I felt as though I had failed, I now know that HIS plan for my life is so much bigger than my check list. All He asks me to do is trust in Him, not my failures, or my current circumstances.  He asks me to step out in faith and watch what He will do and where he can take me.  But how can I do that? As someone that needs a list or a plan, how can I just step out and trust?

The answer came to me a few weeks back, as I was praying for the new year, asking Him to guide me and give me wisdom. As part of the local LeadHer chapter we are asked to pick a word each year, a word that we can focus on throughout the year and pray over.  God quickly gave me the word JOY.  Receiving my word for 2014 was the easy part, but what exactly did joy mean? What did it mean to me, or my life? What verse in scripture would I use to go along with it?

As I looked into what exactly joy meant, I quickly realized that joy is not an easy term to define. The Merriam- Webster dictionary defines joy as “a feeling of great happiness or a source or cause of great happiness: something or someone that gives joy to someone.” The Holman Bible dictionary defines joy as “the happy state that results from knowing and serving God.”  While I have to agree with both, I believe there is more to the concept of joy.

Joy is more than happiness; I believe that happiness is often related to your circumstances. If times are good, happiness is inevitable. But what happens when times are not so good? Happiness is often lacking in times of brokenness and darkness. That is where I believe joy comes in; joy does not depend on your circumstances. Joy is a gift from our Heavenly Father that circumstance cannot take away.  

As I continued my research on joy I came across an acrostic for joy that made more sense:

J-Jesus

O- Others

Y- Yourself

What a great visual of what joy represents. When you put Jesus and others before yourself you have joy. Joy is not based on earthy things, which can be taken from you. True joy can only come from the Lord. Now I would be a fool to expect this year to be free of heartache, disappointment or trials; it is through these types of storms that joy is developed and tested.  This leads me to my verse for 2014:

² Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.³ for you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. ⁴ So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1:2-4 (NLT)

I am praying expectantly for 2014 to my best year yet. After all don’t most say that your thirties are some of the best years of your life? I am ready, and willing to do the work. With God on my side I know I cannot fail. I am circling His promises and trusting His word. So I welcome 2014 with open arms…

¹¹ You crown the year with a bountiful harvest; even the hard pathways overflow with abundance. Psalm 65:11

I am ALL IN

In January 2013 I posted on this same blog that the Lord had challenge me to step out of my “comfort” zone. Here I am over 10 months later to report that I have finally accepted His challenge. Although 2013 has allowed and most of the time forced me out of my comfort zone; I have to confess I haven’t been all in with God.  I am thankful that I serve a loving and patient Lord, who never gives up on me. I am not a lost cause; I have value and purpose through my Lord God.

I am a week away from being one year post divorce. Although I have come a long way in this journey; I have a long way to go.  My boys and I have established a life that is our own and we are learning to function as a COMPLETE family of four. I have a wonderful job that allows me more flexibility than I have had previously. I am 17 days away from my associates’ degree at OTC; this year has been full of blessings. And as if I did not have enough to be thankful for, I have been blessed with an AMAZING support system.  I don’t even want to think what my life would be like without these people. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people that love and encourage me at my darkest as well as at my victories.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, you all mean so much to me!

So before I get to far off of the reason for this post I need to explain the challenge…

In the recent weeks I have been praying for clarity and direction in my life…. And to no surprise guess what? God answered! It wasn't one of those answers where, I questioned who was answering me…either. It was one of those moments where God clearly answered me and I could not ignore it. Then later that week at church the message was one of those messages that I felt that the pastor was speaking right to me. “You have as much of God in your life as you want!”  This statement was a major wake up call to me; it was as if a light bulb went off.  I finally knew what God had called me to do this year.  Better late than never, right?

I am foregoing all the sideshow distractions and fillers. I am dedicating the next year of my life to my relationship with my Lord God. I know many of you are thinking that I should have been doing that all a long; that as Christian that is part of the deal. To you I say, yes I should and I have, but I haven’t been all in with God. I have found distractions along the way; dating and social media are two big distractions for me.  So here I am committing the next 365 days of my life to God… using Him and his word to fill my time instead of the normal “fillers”. I am stepping out in faith, knowing that God will take me places that I cannot imagine. He wants to bless me abundantly, that is His word... His promise. All he is asking me to do is go all in. This is me going ALL IN WITH  GOD!

Saying Goodbye & Letting it go

                The boy’s father and I separated in May of 2011 after eight years together, six of which we were married. The boys and I moved in with my mother and six days later he had a girlfriend, whom now is his wife. It is unbelievable how quickly life can change. This journey has been a long and difficult road; a road filled with sadness, bitterness, anger and any other emotion under the sun that you can think of. Name the emotion and I have probably experienced in some way or another during this process. I have done everything in my power to “get over it” or “let it go”, but have struggled and failed miserably to break free. With the failure came frustration, because I knew the promises that God had made to me.  If only I would leave my mess of a marriage and divorce at his feet. I knew that when I was able to free myself from the situation the boys and I would be one step closer to the beautiful future that God had promised us. There were times that I had thought I had finally done this, more than once too. However, if I did lay it down, I would unconsciously pick it right back up; or maybe I truly never did lay it all down completely in the first place. I had tried all the different avenues following the advice of family and/or friends, praying, taking classes, counseling, but yet I always fell short of my goal… freedom!

            A couple of weeks ago when I got home, I got on Facebook. I began quickly scrolling down my news feed like I had done so many times before and that’s when I saw it. A former classmate of mine had suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. Instantly without knowing anything more, my heart became heavy and filled with sadness. This particular classmate was always there to put a smile on your face when you were having a bad day. His smile truly did brighten the world. So many questions flooded my mind…why God? How? Did he suffer? Is this real?

            In the coming days I was given more details of his passing; which in turn only made my heart hurt more and left me with more questions. The details are not mine to share, nor are they important at this point. What is important is what I have taken away from this tragedy.

1)      Life is short and not guaranteed. Make sure you show and tell the ones you love how you feel. Even if you have not talked to them in months or even years; at least make an attempt.

2)      Show kindness and love to everyone you meet. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle.

3)      Those who smile and love the most are often the ones who are hurting and fighting the biggest battles.

4)      Forgive those who have and will hurt you, not only for them, but more importantly yourself.

5)      Open your heart to the Lord. Only He can truly set you free from the chains that bind you. There REALLY is freedom on the Lord.

I wish more than anything that this event had never happened and he was still here with us, but that is unfortunately not possible. So I will continue to pray for his family and friends as they mourn. Hopefully they are able to find comfort and peace; knowing that he is no longer hurting and  find strength in knowing that they will be reunited with him again one day.

This has caused a major epiphany for me and brought me a healing in my heart that I was beginning to think that would never come. I laid my marriage and divorce at the feet of the Lord and walked away, knowing that it was His to handle. He had promised and shown me unfailing love, grace, healing and much much more. I can honestly say my chains are gone and my heart is renewed. All of the bitterness, anger and sadness that surrounded this life change are gone. I have finally found peace and comfort in the healing that only the Lord can provide.

I am fully aware that throughout the next fifteen years of co-parenting with my ex-husband, every day is not going to rainbows and butterflies. There will be trials and tribulations just as there are with anything in life. We know each other well enough that we know how to push one another’s buttons and drive one another crazy. However, in these times I will remind myself that my God’s bigger than any problem I may face, and if I will trust Him and give my problems to Him, He will handle it. EVERYTHING is made beautiful in His timing.

I will end with this…

Justin,

Although we were not particularly close, but anytime I was around you I could not help but be in a good mood. Your smile was contagious. I will cherish that now and always. You were loved by so many and you will be missed I hope you have found the love, peace and comfort that you needed. And may God bless and protect your girls in your absence.

Live life with love, purpose and passion.

Yours truly,

Amy

                

Home is Where the Heart is

I have lived in the Ozarks since August of 2003, and have yet to call it my home. There are aspects of this area that I like and have come enjoy. I have a great church home, and an amazing support system. I cannot put into words how my friends and family have helped me grow over the years, I am truly blessed. Despite all the joys I have experienced in the last nine years, there has always been something missing. I have struggled to find the missing piece... until recently.

A week ago today, I was soaking up the sunshine in my home state of Arizona. Being home and having my oldest and dearest friends near me was absolutely wonderful. I was in a state of bliss. I have missed Arizona, since the day I packed up my little red car and made the journey to the show me state. I thought the feeling would eventually go away as I made a life here in Missouri, but it has not gone away. If anything is has only gotten worse. I truly miss Arizona EVERY DAY. I miss the weather, my friends, the scenery, the culture... I could go on and on. After four short days, I realized that the day I left Arizona not only did I leave my best friends behind; I also left a piece of my heart. 

When I boarded the plane at the Springfield airport, I left behind snow and bitter cold temperatures; headed to sunshine and clear blue skies. As I stepped off the plane in Phoenix a feeling of relief came over me. I was relieved, because I no longer felt like something was missing. Those four days flew by; they were filled with laughter, love, friends, family an ample amount of good memories made.

While there, I stayed with my best friend and her family. We have been best friends for 17 years, and although there are thousands of miles that separate us; we picked up as if we see each other daily. I often joke she is my female soul mate....we just "get" each other. We have seen each other through the roller coaster we call life; the good, the bad and the ugly. I love her and her family as if they were my my own, and in many ways they are. I am also blessed and honored to call her daughter my god daughter!

We hosted a get together at her house, which my girlfriends from school came to. We made the trip up the hill to P-town for lunch with some friends. Although Prescott Valley and Prescott have grown since I have been there; it is still the same place I once called home. We visited the square, reminisced and enjoyed the perfect weather. Prescott is without a doubt a beautiful place, which I did not appreciate growing up; its beauty has such a calming effect. We finished the day with margaritas and Mexican food, it was a perfect day. We also participated in a memorial walk/run, made a couple of Starbucks runs, chowed on a yummy breakfast with more family and it ended with a happily ever after... at the Coach outlet. As corny as this may sound this trip back HOME was exactly what the doctor had ordered. It was the chicken soup that my soul needed.  

As I boarded the plane to come back to Missouri, tears of sadness were shed, but there were also tears of joy. There is truly no place like home! Thank you Arizona for renewing and refreshing my spirit, I desperately needed it. Also a special thank you to Teresa, Justin and Khiya for welcoming me in their home with open arms. I love ALL of my Arizona family and friends so much; you hold a special piece of my heart. Until we meet again....

Love, 

Amy

Comfort

Comfort- to soothe, console, or reassure;

 bring cheer to

   I have been praying since late 2012 for God to give me vision and focus for the New Year. 2012 was a very emotional and challenging year for me. As the New Year approached and came I still had no solid vision or lead on where to begin the year. I found this frustrating and discouraging. Until one day, on the way to work, I heard “comfort”.  Light bulb came on… this year is going to be all about comfort! Praise God it is finally going to be an “easy” and “peaceful” year, or so I thought or at least thought…

I have discovered over the last couple of years, in my growing faith that God really does have a great sense of humor sometimes.  A couple days after he spoke “comfort” to me, I heard “you need to step out of you comfort zone”! I sat there in silence, in a state of denial for what seemed like awhile (in reality it was only a couple of minutes). At this point I began trying to bargain with God or talk him out of it.  Which now sitting here now, writing this I find very comical. I mean what was I; expecting God to say…”Okay Amy, let’s do this your way. Your way sounds like it will work out much better than mine. Silly me… let’s just focus on your “comfort” this year!”

   So here I am thirteen days into the year and God has challenged me to “step out of my comfort zone”.  That in it’s self-scared me.  So over the next couple of days as my challenge sank, I became comfortable with my mission. I can step out of my comfort zone, I’ll try new things, go new places, meet new people… no big deal, right? Then once again I heard his voice “my first task is for you to show mercy, not just mercy on anyone, but to those who have challenged you and hurt you.” What?? Are you serious??

   This time I didn't try to argue or reason with Him. I began to pray, God I cannot do this without you. I feel so bruised and broken by these particular people, how can I ever show them mercy? As I sit here now, I still do not exactly how this is going to happen. But what I do know is; God would not have asked me to do this if it were not possible. He asked me to do this; because it is what is best for me and ultimately it is all part of his beautiful plan for me.

   So please pray for me as I tackle this first request….prayer and the love of the Lord is the only way I am going to be victorious!

Much Love,

Amy

Out with the Old in with the New!

There is no other place I would have rather been on New Year’s Eve night, than at home with the boys. We lounged in our pajamas, watched TV, played games and made brownies. The boys partied until about 10:30 pm until they crashed. Sadly, I fell asleep before the New Year got here, but I did wake up with Harper all snuggled in my bed. 2013 is going to be a great journey.